Pitchforks and Nailguns and Piercings...Oh my.

Ok...I'm watching some random tv on at 1 am on TLC. It's "101 Things Removed From The Human Body" although they ought to call it "Fucking Disgusting Impalement Pictures." Dude, boat anchors in the back of the head, a swordfish in the eye, a frog-gigging stick in the face (it's like a mini pitchfork,) a piece of rebar in the face, a giant piece of flying metal from the neck, as well as a ton of nails removed from someone's stomach, and other scary things. Thankfully, the tv is on in the other room...while my laptop is here. I can avoid the grosser things.

I have a fear of injuries like that-- as I assume, most people do. I would hate little more than to slip on an icy sidewalk and fall on a fence post or something. No way. I wouldn't look good in a "jaunty eye patch" (thank you Lewis Black, for one of the best phrases in stand up.)

I'm such a freakin pansy when it comes to pain. I had to hold the Claire's teddy bear when I got my ears pierced at the mall when I was 17. I'm not big on needles or having injuries of any kind. I can't even begin to imagine just riding along on a boat, and WHAM, getting an anchor jabbed into my skull, and then having to hold it still while I stayed conscious, waiting for help. No thanks. Or working with a nail gun and shooting a 4 inch nail into my head-- I know piercings are all the rage-- but I don't think that's the way to go but I can see it now:

MTV-- TRUE LIFE-- I'M INTO EXTREME PIERCING

"Hey man! Check this sweet frontal lobe piercing I got! My memory is kinda fucked up...and I can't really control myself anymore...and I black out sometimes...but isn't it totally awesome? The chicks are gonna love this!"

"That's nothing. I got my kidneys pierced with a 2 x 2 strip of pine floorboard. I want to gage it up to a 2 x 4 in a couple weeks. It's a bitch to get my pants on and my skin is a little yellow-- but my girlfriend loves it, she can hang her purse off it when we go out."

"Whatever. We should totally go get our corneas pierced next saturday when we're getting our tongues split. It's not like you ever wear your contacts anyway, the pain is just part of the fun man! I met a guy who'll do it for like, no money. We just gotta bring a package into Mexico for him. He seems cool-- he has his corneas pierced, got his done at Rikers by a carjacker from Long Island."

"Sweet. Can I bring my girlfriend? She wants to get her nipples pierced for the 5th time, maybe string a chain from the piercings to her nose ring. Last week she got a tribal symbol branded on her ass, it's kind of a mystical thing...very deep. She still can't really sit down or wipe herself, but it's totally hot."


Admit it. MTV would do it.