Halloween Is A Tradition

Damn the bat-shaped peppermint patties for tasting so good!

Now that I have that out of my system...

I'm really excited that I'm living somewhere where there's going to be trick-or-treating kids. Granted we used to get them at school, great loads of candy-grabbers that trekked through my giant residence hall clutching heavy bags or pillowcases. After graduation I lived in an apartment complex that was just not conducive to trick-or-treating. Now I'm in this new house and we have a ton of candy to give out. I remember how fun it was until I was too old to go. That was, at least, one upside to living in a very small community. Damn near everyone had their porch lights on for us.

However now that I'm in charge of candy dispersal I have my own issues with those people that are out doing their own candy-begging.

1) If you have pubic hair or your voice has changed-- stop. You are too old.

2) If you damage anything on my porch I will uphold my right to wave a broom at you and be "that neighbor" that yells "GET OFF MY LAWN!" I've had a pumpkin smashed before and the sheer carnage is horrific. If eggs or TP get anywhere near this house I'll have the cops on speed dial.

3) Parents that carry their own bags bother me. If you can make mortgage or rent payments, you can buy your own candy.

4) If you insult me, I won't give you anything and give twice as much to the other kids with you.

5) All costumes are cool...but if you come dressed as "broke frat boy" or "sexy bunny/cat/devil" I'll throw a mini gourd at you.

There is a bright side to me being a bitch.

1) I promise to never, EVER give out those awful orange or black-wrapped taffy/peanut butter things that NO ONE EVER LIKES. We have premium candy here.

2) I won't ever give out toothbrushes. Or floss. Or pennies. Or apples. Or trading cards. Or popcorn balls. All of which I've gotten and had to throw out.

3) I will compliment every kid on whatever they're wearing.


I miss dressing up. Right up until last year I had a reason to get all duded up as something or other. Last year was a bit of a disaster. I ordered a costume online and counting shipping it cost me over 70 bucks. It turned out to be a matronly, ill-fitting mess of a gothic dress. I wore it with the kids at work and then wore my little black cocktail dress out to the party I went to. I also learned that night that fake eyelashes are the cosmetic appendages of the devil himself. They started to fall off and my face looked like it was molting.

In college I had the best time, despite the fact that my costumes were usually last-minute. 3 years ago I'd just turned 21 and I'd dressed as Hermione from Harry Potter. Basically that consisted of a purple velvet witches hat, a wand and black clothing. That night is a bit of a blur, and despite pictorial proof I choose to believe that certain things were not seen. On a semi-related note-- vodka-soaked gummi bears are evil.

Two years ago was probably the best, if out of character for me. I decided to be a vampire. Again, there was the black pants, and a black shirt with fishnet sleeves. The shirt posed an interesting issue. I wanted to show a little cleavage so I cut a slit in the neckline while I was wearing it to gauge how low it went. Then when I tried to pull it off it ripped another inch and a half. Clear nail polish on the edges kept me from getting a ticket for indecent exposure. I ended up naming the shirt my "baby's ass-smuggling" shirt. I have to have a sense of humor about it. I found this fantastic cheap wig that was black, curly and fell to my waist. I bought some sweet fake fangs to go with all the red and black jewelry.

Then I found out that I couldn't speak, drink or function with the fangs in, so I had to take them out. Everyone kept asking me what I was so I just began to say I was Elvira. It was great fun, but I was happy to change back into sweats at the end of the night.

This year I'll just paint my face up somehow. I have enough makeup lying around to do something bizarre.