Letter to my fellow riders

I was just thinking about my old commute. I don't miss it, but believe it or not, I miss my bus drivers. They take more crap than I ever have. I still take the bus around here, it wasn't so bad once I got used to it, but sometimes...it was almost more than I could take. Here's what I wished I could say. I'm a small-town girl, and this was my first year using a public city bus everyday.


Dear Crazy People at my Bus Stop,

Stop talking to me. I don't care if you hate the police, whether it be bike cops, horse cops or meter maids, please don't talk to me about it. You say you were wrongfully accused and now you're on probation or parole, I don't want to know. Enjoy your beer in a paper bag, it's 1:00 in the afternoon, lots of alcoholics do that. Drink your Miller Ice and avoid talking to me.

Do not tell me your political opinions and expect me to converse with you about mine. If I told you I was a liberal feminist, you'd probably stab me and I do not have medical insurance yet.

Turn the cover of your hardcore bondage gay porn magazine the other way. It's only to be polite. I'd ask the same if it were Hustler or Playboy. I know it's only 7 AM and that you have your techno on in your headphones and are in your own little world-- but I'm asking politely not to see whips and chains when I'm waiting for my bus.

Keep your little bundles of joy on a leash, and your dogs too. I love kids, but when they're next to me licking the bus stop bench, it frightens me. Many, many asses sit on that bench, and I hesitate to think about what else, keep her in the stroller so she doesn't get herpes before Kindergarten.

Do not mumble at me about the DMV. Everyone hates going there, even, I assume, the people who work there. As much as you may hate the DMV, please avoid overusing the phrase "stupid fuckers, I'll tell them, stupid fuckers."

Take your anti-psychotic medications. There is no stigma to it, lots of people use them. But you *must* use them, and not talk about how you do not always take your Haldol and expect me to want to sit next to you and make small talk.

Don't be a jerk to the homeless people. I'm sure it doesn't make their day to ask you for your spare change.

Never, under any circumstances, threaten to spank me or call me a bad girl. You are old enough to be my grandfather and it makes me want to shower for hours.

Thank you, Have a good day.